Relationships · Understanding Codependency, part 1 of 9 · 26 September 2026 · Charlotte Himsworth
Understanding Codependency: What It Is, and What It Isn’t
A gentle, honest introduction to a word many people recognise themselves in.
Many people first meet the word “codependency” with a jolt of recognition. Perhaps you are the one who always notices how everyone else is feeling, who finds it hard to say no, who feels responsible for keeping the peace. If so, you are far from alone. This series is an invitation to understand those patterns with curiosity and kindness, not judgement.
A working description
There is no single agreed definition of codependency. One widely used description, developed by researchers Lynda Spann and Judith Fischer, calls it a pattern of relating to others with an extreme focus outside oneself, difficulty expressing feelings, and a sense of meaning drawn mainly from relationships.
When researchers later compared the many definitions in circulation, four themes kept returning: focusing on others rather than ourselves, self-sacrifice, a pull towards control or conflict in relationships, and holding feelings in.
What it is not
Codependency is not a medical diagnosis. It does not appear in the major diagnostic manuals, and many professionals use the word cautiously or not at all. It is best understood as a description of patterns, not a label for who you are.
Nor is it the same as caring deeply. Loving others, helping, and sometimes putting someone else first are part of being human. The patterns we explore in this series are about care that has lost its balance: where looking after others has quietly replaced looking after ourselves.
Why the word still helps
Despite its fuzziness, many people find that the word gives shape to something they have felt for years. Naming a pattern is often the first step to changing it. In the spirit of the inscription at Delphi, this is a journey of knowing yourself.
How to read this series
Go gently. Some of what follows may stir memories or feelings. Take breaks, and notice what resonates without forcing anything. This series is for reflection and education, not a substitute for professional support. Part nine gathers places to turn if you need help.
A practice
Ask yourself, without judgement: “When I imagine putting my own needs first for one day, what do I feel?” Notice the answer, write it down, and let it be.
This article is for reflection and education, not a substitute for professional support. If it brings up difficult feelings, please be gentle with yourself; part nine lists places to turn in the UK, including Samaritans on 116 123, any time.